I wondered then if there could ever be trust in a relationship based from the outset upon deceiving other people.
Catherine SandersonTags: trust
Much of that afternoon remains an intense blur: Maybe extremes of pleasure and pain are just too much for the memory to handle, which is why we forget.
Catherine SandersonI think I'd convinced myself that all long-term relationships end up that way; I really thought I had no right to expect more.
Catherine SandersonTags: settling-for-second-best lack-of-passion
Our break-up had been a resounding anti-climax. I wanted to be wept over, bitterly. I wanted to be fought for. Mourned, or regretted just a little.
I wanted to feel like I was someone who'd been worth having in the first place.
Tags: breaking-up
I needed reassurance from the doubts that were beginning to surface in my mind since I'd first given voice to them in conversation with Amy.
Catherine SandersonI decided however fleeting, however short lived these sensations might be, I was determined to savor them while they lasted, without pushing for more
I liked him, and sensed I could grow to like him more. But I knew it was too soon to beckon anyone inside the invisible circle I had drawn around myself.
I choose my outfit, my undergarments with care, because I know from experience that a drink, with him, will lead to much, much more. In the bar, I bask in his attention, happy in this moment, knowing full well it will be fleeting. I lie in bed, his sleeping body curled around mine, his arm around my waist, marvelling that someone can be so close, skin against mine, but simultaneously seem so remote, so inaccessible.
When we part the next day and I hear the words I fully expect to hear - 'well, I guess I'll see you when I get back' - i feel a twinge of something I was determined not to feel. A brief pang of remorse that I may have been selling little pieces of myself to the lowest bidder.
Everywhere was filled with painful, jarring reminders of what I'd lost: an elderly couple sitting on a bench, gnarly, arthritic fingers interlaced; a handsome young man in a baseball cap whispering something in his pregnant wife's ear, his arm draped protectively around her shoulders.
Catherine SandersonI do still love you. I don't love you enough to be able to give you the things we dreamed about and planned.
Catherine SandersonTags: breaking-up love-not-being-enough
I know he isn't a serious candidate for anything long-term. Or even medium-term. But maybe that's precisely why he's so attractive to me, right now. Unsuitable is good. Temporary is good...
Catherine SandersonTags: temporary-mr-right
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