If I could tell him just one thing, wherever he is, pass him one message, it would be this: he had something. Something to his thoughts, his ideas, the papers in his notebooks, the work we did in the garage. Beyond just a purity to his ideas, a sincerity to his belief, a genuine curiosity, a determination that, if he just sat there long enough, thought hard enough, failed enough times, he'd find a way in.
Charles YuA life is about twenty-five thousand days, and a finding occurs about once every twenty-five thousand days.
In other news, once in a lifetime.
How do you convince someone to change, to stop being afraid of himself? How do you convince yourself not to be so scared all the time?
Charles YuSadness was the driver, the motor of his invention, the engine of his creativity.
Charles YuWhat is this called, what I am doing, to myself, to my life, this wallowing, this pondering, this rolling over and over in the same places of my memory, wearing them thin, wearing them out? Why don't I ever learn? Why don't I ever do anything different?
Charles YuThis, then, is my choice:
I can allow the events of my life to happen to me.
Or I can take those very same actions and make them my own. I can live in my own present, risk failure, be assured of failure.
How many times have I failed before? How many times have I stood here like this, in front of my own image, in front of my own person, trying to convince him not to be scared, to go on, to get out of this rut? How many times before I finally convince myself, how many private, erasable deaths will I need to die, how may self-murders is it going to take, how many times will I have to destroy myself before I learn, before I understand?
Charles YuEnjoy the elastic present, which can accommodate as little or as much as you want to put in there. Stretch it out, live inside of it.
Charles YuLife is, to some extent, an extended dialogue with your future self about how exactly you are going to let yourself down over the coming years.
Charles YuWorry was a box to live inside of, worry a mechanism for evading the present, for the re-creating the past, for dealing with the future.
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