No, no, no, no, no. Anything but murder. Or rape. Or kidnapping. Or armed robbery. Or indecent exposure, ’cause that’s just creepy.

Darynda Jones

Tags: humor



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For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

Darynda Jones

Tags: funny charley-davidson darynda-jones shoot-out



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I strode toward Mr. Coffee with lust in my eyes. We'd had a thing for quite some time now Mr. Coffee and I...

Darynda Jones


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Holy shit, are you positive?"
"As a pregnancy test a month after prom.

Darynda Jones


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I know what kind of man it takes to get involved with something as barbarous as human trafficking.”

“I get it, Swopes. He’s not the kind of man you take home to meet your
stepmom.” I rethought that. “Wait a minute. Maybe my stepmom would like to meet him. Do you think he ships to Istanbul?

Darynda Jones

Tags: humour



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I'd never taken to four foot creatures who had the uncanny ability to point out all my flaws in thirty second flat. And just for the record, I can too read without moving my lips.

Darynda Jones


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God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.

Darynda Jones

Tags: humor marriage



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At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

Darynda Jones

Tags: humor humour



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I love language, words, and all the lovely, exciting, and heart wrenching things you can do with them. Pick the right ones, put them in the right order, and you’ve created a moment in time where the reader forgets about the late car payment, the dirty dishes, the impending workweek. You have created a state of bliss. Or negligence, depending on your perspective.

Darynda Jones


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There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And spiders. ~Bumper sticker~

Darynda Jones


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