She just happens to be my father, young man, and I'd appreciate it of you'd show her a little respect.
David SedarisI just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.
David SedarisTags: insightful direct
The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.
David SedarisTags: humor funny joke vindictive
The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...
David SedarisTags: humor funny joke cleaning
A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit.
David SedarisTags: reading writing self-awareness short-stories
The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.
David SedarisScream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.
David SedarisA zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.
David SedarisI was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.
David SedarisTags: humor conscience guilt ponder
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.
David SedarisTags: humor technology typewriters
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