I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.
David SedarisEither he was suffering a terrible case of gas or he had a pint-size child practicing the trumpet in his back pocket.
David SedarisSomeone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptionally disturbing was that all our towels were fudge-colored. You’d be drying your hair when, too late, you noticed an unmistakable odor on your hands, head, and face.
David SedarisThe things I've bought from strangers in the dark would curl your hair.
David SedarisTags: dark strangers curly-hair sedaris
Dad followed his I’m-So-Disappointed speech with a lecture on career opportunities.
“You’re going to study literature and get a job doing what?” he said. “Literaturizing?
Tags: humor
I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk movies, and I noticed that Rock Hudson towered over everyone, and I typed in "How tall was" and I saw "How tall was Jesus," and I'm like, "Sure," and half an hour later you're somewhere you didn't expect to be. It doesn't work that same way in books, does it? Even if you have an encyclopedia, the trail isn't that crazy. I like that aspect of it.
David SedarisTags: internet
The autopsy took place in the morning and was the best argument for the buddy systemI had ever seen. Never live alone, I told myself. Before you chane a lightbulb, call someone from the other room and have him watch until you are finished.
David SedarisTags: humor
never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk near a train, and never, under any circumstances, cut off your air supply while masturbating.
David SedarisTags: humor
It was like seeing someone who wore a striped tie or parted his hair on the left — a detail, but not a telling one.
David SedarisTags: smoking
Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer.
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