If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?
David SedarisTags: humor question leprechaun
I had no job at the time and was living off the cruel joke I referred to as my savings.
David SedarisTags: life
The two of you grew apart,' my mother would say. She made it sound as if we'd veered off in different directions, though in fact we had the exact same destination. I just never made it.
David SedarisNeither were we allowed to choose what we ate. I have a friend whose seven-year-old will only consider something if it's white. Had I tried that, my parents would have said, "You're on," and served me a bowl of paste, followed by joint compound, and, maybe if I was good, some semen.
David SedarisTags: humor
Broke a nail clean off, and when it grew back it looked like a Brazil nut.
David SedarisLeeches are singing in my asshole.
David SedarisOwl love you forever
David SedarisA Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle, the electric bathtub: everything blinks and bleeps and calls out in the middle of the night. I’d wondered what the rice maker was carrying on about, and Reiko told us that it was on a timer and simply wanted us to know that it was present and ready for duty. That was the kettle’s story as well, while the tub was just being an asshole and waking us up for no reason.
David SedarisThe thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing someone else stopped me completely.
David SedarisTags: memoir naked cyclops sedaris
The woman had decided that I was a hard-ass, one of those guys who refuse under any circumstances to do anyone a favor. But it's not true. I just prefer that the favor be my idea, and that it leaves me feeling kind rather than bullied and uncomfortable.
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