You did that when you started to care a lot-- you worried he was watching your every move to make sure he really wanted you. You could forget that maybe you were supposed to be doing that too. You forgot it wasn't just you being watched and judged and trying to pass some test.
Deb CalettiHe was like one great big Sunday afternoon -- the kind where you stay in your PJs and watch movies and eat popcorn. Where life is at it's uncomplicated best.
Deb CalettiWe try to hold a storm in our own fist but we are not that strong.
Deb CalettiBut I didn't want to share everything yet… I needed that time alone with it first, that delicious time where you replay every moment, where you make what has happened more real and also less—it becomes fact the more you repeat it, but it becomes story, too.
Deb CalettiWe made plans. I lay in bed for a long time just feeling delicious anticipation. Then excitement hit. I got up. I had to move a mountain or something.
Deb CalettiWe had a humiliating and lengthy wait at a DONT WALK sign with not a car in sight for miles. Dad was a press about jaywalking. Or maybe he just like to stare down what he'd testily called the "grammatical error sanctioned by the state." There is, of course, no apostrophe in the DONT WALK sign.
Deb CalettiI want to wash your hair with a shampoo that smells like fruit - mango, or strawberries. I want to walk on a beach with you, dragging a big stick behind us, making a message in the sand that we try to believe an airplane will really see. I want to kiss saltwater from your lips. I want us to listen to music with our eyes closed; I want to read musty books while lying next to you - books about fascinating things like mummies and eccentric artists and old shipwrecks in the Pacific. I want to have picnics on our bed and crawl into cotton sheets that smell like summer because we left the windows open when we were gone. I want to wake in the night with you and marvel at the stars and try to find the moon through the trees. I want all the sweet things in life. But only by your side.
Deb CalettiBlessed books--they're a place to be alone, and no one else can come in.
Deb CalettiIt was strange to have those papers signed. Like any big project or crisis that takes every waking and non-waking moment in your life, it was odd to have it concluded. A move, a college degree, a wedding--something long-strived-for is completed, whatever the outcome, and there is a huge space where it all once was. All that open time now, and a continuing nagging sense that there's something you need to be doing.
Deb CalettiTags: love divorce commitment nothingness long-term
It was about the way a moment, a single moment, could change things and make you decide to try to be someone different.
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