And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.
Eddie IzzardMr. Charles Darwin, who looked a bit like God which is interesting, wrote a book called You're a Fucking Monkey, Mate. He played around with the title for a while: We're All Fucking Monkeys; You're a Fucking Monkey, Mate; Get Out of My Face, You Fucking Monkey. And he ended up with On The Origin of Species.
Eddie IzzardThey’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.
Eddie IzzardIf there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.
Eddie IzzardSo then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, ''Yeah, I suppose so.
Eddie IzzardWe must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.
Eddie IzzardTags: hope funny-quotes
You say ‘erbs, and we say herbs… because there’s a fucking ‘h’ in it!
Eddie IzzardI’ve learnt that you’ve got to be really non-apologetic... You’ve got to say, ‘Hi, I’m here, can I have a cup of tea? And one of those biscuits?’ If you say that, it’s fine. If you go in and say, ‘Excuse me, I’m a transvestite, I’ll be in the corner, I won’t be a problem, I’ll face away,’ everyone will go, ‘Oh-oh, problem case in the corner.’ So don’t apologise.
Eddie IzzardI did it on a wing and a prayer, and even though I didn’t have enough confidence to do the show, I had a theory; if I assume I have the confidence, I’ll tell everyone I’m doing it, and then people will come and we’ll actually do it. Once we’ve done it, I’ll have the confidence to do it again. It was some sort of weird positive-thinking confidence mantra because I had to get there.
Eddie IzzardCuando llegamos a la Luna, ese fue el momento en que Dios debió haber venido y decir "hola". Porque si inventas algunas criaturas, los pones en azul y llegan al gris, es el jodido momento de aparecer y decir "bien hecho".
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