Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

Tags: humor

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I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

George Carlin

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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

George Carlin

Tags: environment song-lyrics conservation

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I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.

George Carlin

Tags: humor stereotypes

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

George Carlin

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Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

George Carlin

Tags: humor doubt reason belief skepticism absurdity credulity evidence gullibility indoctrination invisible

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

George Carlin

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You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

George Carlin

Tags: humor life

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It's never just a game when you're winning.

George Carlin

Tags: humor

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Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

George Carlin

Tags: humor dreams

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