Soul mates. They really call themselves that, which makes sense, because I guess they are ... They have no harsh edges with each other, no spiny conflicts, they ride though life like conjoined jellyfish - expanding and contracting instinctively, filling each other's spaces liquidly. Making it look easy.
Gillian FlynnTags: happiness love true-love family peace marriage relationships perfection soul-mate unconditional-love soul-mates jellyfish other-half ideal-lover ideal-love
I'd developed an inability to demonstrate much negative emotion at all. It was another thing that made me seem like a dick - my stomach could be all oiled eels, and you would get nothing from my face and less from my words. It was a constant problem: too much control or no control at all.
Gillian FlynnTags: truth words emotions panic control stoic anxiety mean emotional judging judgemental heartless dick judging-by-appearance what-s-inside-that-counts jumping-to-conclusions outer-appearance
She released her grievances like handfuls of birdseed: They are there, and they are gone.
Gillian FlynnTags: evil grief stoic nothing release grieving gone heartless malicious sadistic black-heart unimportant sadist birdseed self-obsessed self-obsession
...and you drink a little too much and try a little too hard. And you go home to a cold bed and think, 'That was fine'. And your life is a long line of fine.
Gillian FlynnTags: life thinking love loneliness alcohol lonely empty thoughts cold drink okay stuck-in-a-rut fine mediocre average not-good-enough alone-forever try-too-hard
The old Amy, the girl of the big laugh and the easy ways, literally shed herself, a pile of skin and soul on the floor, and stepped this new, brittle, bitter Amy ... a razor-wire knot daring me to unloop her, and I was not up to the job with my thick, numb, nervous fingers. Country fingers. Flyover fingers untrained in the intricate, dangerous work of 'solving Amy'. When I'd hold up the bloody stumps, she'd sigh and turn to her secret mental notebooks on which she tallied all my deficiencies, forever noting disappointments, frailties, shortcomings.
Gillian FlynnTags: love loss change marriage relationships hatred criticism failure strangers bullying heartbreak nothing flaws broken-heart scary heartless turmoil puppeteer hurtful change-for-worse emotional-turmoil i-miss-who-you-were missing-who-someone-was
Sleep is like a cat: It only comes to you if you ignore it. I drank more and continued my mantra. 'Stop thinking', swig, 'empty your head', swig, 'now, seriously empty your head'.
Gillian FlynnTags: thinking cats sleep ignorance drinking alone self-assurance alcohol lonely sleeping thoughts alcoholic cat insomnia mantra murphy-s-law the-mind talking-to-yourself ignoring voices-inside-your-head thinking-process playing-hard-to-get binging empty-your-head stop-thinking
I think maybe, when I was very young, I witnessed a chaste cheek kiss between the two when it was impossible to avoid. Christmas, birthdays. Dry lips. On their best married days, their communications were entirely transactional: 'We're out of milk again.' (I'll get some today.) 'I need this ironed properly.' (I'll do that today.) 'How hard is it to buy milk?' (Silence.) 'You forgot to call the plumber.' (Sigh.) 'Goddammit, put on your coat, right now, and go out and get some goddamn milk. Now.' These messages and orders brought to you by my father, a mid-level phonecompany manager who treated my mother at best like an incompetent employee.
Gillian FlynnTags: love family parents silence communication fight childhood mother parenthood fighting depression parents-and-children heartbreak relationship sexism divorce father abuse fights love-lost childhood-memories abusive-relationships bad-parenting abusive abusive-relationship broken-home
...my father, [was] a mid-level phonecompany manager who treated my mother at best like an incompetent employee. At worst? He never beat her, but his pure, inarticulate fury would fill the house for days, weeks, at a time, making the air humid, hard to breathe, my father stalking around with his lower jaw jutting out, giving him the look of a wounded, vengeful boxer, grinding his teeth so loud you could hear it across the room ... I'm sure he told himself: 'I never hit her'. I'm sure because of this technicality he never saw himself as an abuser. But he turned our family life into an endless road trip with bad directions and a rage-clenched driver, a vacation that never got a chance to be fun.
Gillian FlynnTags: love rage family parents silence communication fight childhood mother anger parenthood fighting malice parents-and-children heartbreak sexism fury divorce terror father abuse scared heartbroken fights love-lost childhood-memories abusive-parents emotional-abuse abusive mental-abuse broken-home
My dad had limitations. That's what my good-hearted mom always told us. He had limitations, but he meant no harm. It was kind of her to say, but he did do harm.
Gillian FlynnTags: harm family parents relationships childhood hurt mother scars parenthood indoctrination parents-and-children heartbreak loyalty divorce father limits limitations abuse heartbroken brainwashing false-beliefs love-lost childhood-memories emotional-abuse bad-parenting abusive psychological-abuse mental-abuse broken-home didn-t-mean-it
I just want to live until I can't anymore," she said.
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