Unless I’m at a wedding, I don’t like veiled threats.

Jarod Kintz


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The roof of my mouth is not a good place to put in a new chimney. Put it behind my asshole.

Jarod Kintz


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Zebras are the lions of the animal world. I mean they would be, if lions weren’t already the lions of the animal world.

So, is this a book about zebras or pianos? Well, I haven’t played a zebra or ridden a piano in a few years, but that doesn’t mean I’m not an expert on both.

In fact, the Bantu bestowed upon me the name “Pundamilia Mozart kupanda kinanda ng’ombe dume”, which roughly translated means, “Zebra Mozart who rides piano benches like they’re bulls.”

That’s right, my friends. I’m an international man of mystery. Here’s some advice: If you want to be seen as more mysterious, remember to turn on the fog machine before you make your entrance.


Jarod Kintz


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The beautiful part about killing someone with an icicle is the murder weapon melts and then evaporates. And your assassination can be fruit flavored!

Jarod Kintz


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I didn’t form my lips into the shape of a kiss. I was merely about to whistle.

Jarod Kintz


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I collect nothing. The best part is, the less I have, the more I have.

Jarod Kintz


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