But now the other half of "us" was gone and, lying there in my shadowy room, I'd be struck with this realization that I had no clue how to be just me again.
Jennifer BrownTags: self breakup me death-of-a-loved-one
Sometimes, in my world where parents hated one another and school was a battleground, it sucked to be me.
Jennifer BrownTags: school hate hate-list adolescent-angst
It was one of the constants of life. You are born, you die, you stand up when the bus doors open.
Jennifer BrownI couldn't make my pencil scratch out the lines of Britni/Brenna's face. Couldn't make it curve into the contours of Dad's guilty eyes -- his big secret blown up. Would he marry her? Would they have children together? I couldn't make myself imagine Dad holding some creamy-faced baby, cooing down at it, telling it he loved it. Taking it to baseball games. Living some life he'd probably consider his "real life," the one he deserved rather than the one he got.
Jennifer BrownAll I could really think was how much I wanted to sleep. How much I wanted to be in a different world other than the one I was in.
Jennifer BrownHe sat on the edge of my bed. He didn't say anything at first, just stared at my toenails. I curled them under instinctively and immediately was worried that I'd messed up my painting job. I let them uncurl. Only one was marred. I used my thumb to rub most of the polish off of it and then I stared at my foot, which suddenly looked so vulnerable and imperfect with the one toe ringed in hot pink polish but bare on the inside of the nail. Like I'd started but had forgotten to finish being beautiful.
Jennifer BrownIn a way, Nick had been right: We all got to be winners sometimes. But what he didn't understand was that we all had to be losers, too. Because you can't have one without the other.
Jennifer BrownYou may not have pulled the trigger, but you helped cause the tragedy.
Jennifer BrownBeing pretty isn't everything but sometimes being ugly is.
Jennifer BrownWhat could he say about a future to those parents who couldn't let go of the past, who could do nothing but watch their hopes for their children's futures fade away, their children gone for more than a year now and never coming back? What could he say to the rest of us, so marred by what happened within those hallowed halls of education we knew and once loved? There would be no sweet memories -- those would be forever eclipsed.
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