لقد تسبب لي الألم والخوف من المجهول اللذان تراكما عليّ إثر وفاة ديفيد بالإضافة إلى مرضي في تواضع وتضييق آمالي في الحياة لسنوات عديدة. انسحبت إلي نفسي , وأغلقت, بتصميم, قلبي عن أي احتكاك غير ضروري مع العالم. انهمكت في العمل. لم تكن كل هذه النشاطات بديلة للحب, ولكنها كانت مثيرة وخلقت قيمة ومعنى لحياتي التعيسة. فترات طويلة من التأمل مع ذاتي منحت كلا من عقلي وقلبي الفرصة لكي يعيدا ببطء ترميم معظم أجزاء روحي الممزقة.
Kay Redfield Jamisonكنت قد نسيت طعم الإحساس بالحياة عندما تنفتح الروح على الريح والمطر والجمال، وبدأت أشعر بتسرب الحياة مجددا إلى التصدعات الموجودة في جسمي وعقلي اللذين كنت قد شطبتهما تماما باعتبارهما مستنزفين أو هامدين. لقد استغرق الأمر سنة كاملة لجعلي أدرك أنني كنت فيما مضى أمشي على الماء مكتفية بمجرد محاولة البقاء على قيد الحياة وتجنب الألم بدلا من الاندماج الحقيقي في الحياة. الفرصة للهرب من بقايا المرض والموت، من الحياة القلقة، ومن مسؤوليات التدريس والعيادة. لقد أعطتني هذه الفرصة شكلا من السلام الذي كان يراوغني، ومكانا خاصا بي لكي أتعافي وأتأمل، ولكن الأهم أن أتعافى.
Kay Redfield JamisonDepression is awful beyond words or sounds or images...it bleeds relationships through suspicion, lack of confidence and self-respect, the inability to enjoy life, to walk or talk or think normally, the exhaustion, the night terrors, the day terrors. There is nothing good to be said for it except that it gives you the experience of how it must be to be old, to be old and sick, to be dying; to be slow of mind; to be lacking in grace, polish and coordination; to be ugly; to have no belief in the possibilities of life, the pleasures of sex, the exquisiteness of music or the ability to make yourself and others laugh.
Kay Redfield JamisonAn ardent temperament makes one very vulnerable to dreamkillers.
Kay Redfield JamisonI remember sitting in his office a hundred times during those grim months and each time thinking, What on earth can he say that will make me feel better or keep me alive? Well, there never was anything he could say, that's the funny thing. It was all the stupid, desperately optimistic, condescending things he didn't say that kept me alive; all the compassion and wamrth I felt from him that could not have been said; all the intelligence, competence, and time he put into it; and his granite belief that mine was a life worth living.
Kay Redfield JamisonMoods are such an essential part of the substance of life, of one's notion of oneself, that even psychotic extremes in mood and behavior somehow can be seen as temporary, even understandable, reactions to what life has dealt.
Kay Redfield JamisonThere is an assumption, in attaching Puritan concepts such as "succesful" and "unsuccesful" to the awful, final act of suicide, that those who "fail" at killing themselves not only are weak, but incompeent incapable even of getting their dying quite right.
Kay Redfield Jamison[The] persevering steadiness of my mother, her belief in seeing things through, and her great ability to love and learn, listen and change, helped keep me alive through all the years of pain and nightmare that were to come. She could not have known how difficult it would be to deal with madness; had no preparation for what to do with madness--none of us did--but consistent with her ability to love, and her native will, she handled it with empathy and intelligence. It never occurred to her to give up.
Kay Redfield JamisonHer parents, she said, has put a pinball machine inside her head when she was five years old. The red balls told her when she should laugh, the blue ones when she should be silent and keep away from other people; the green balls told her that she should start multiplying by three. Every few days a silver ball would make its way through the pins of the machine. At this point her head turned and she stared at me; I assumed she was checking to see if I was still listening. I was, of course. How could one not? The whole thing was bizarre but riveting. I asked her, What does the silver ball mean? She looked at me intently, and then everything went dead in her eyes. She stared off into space, caught up in some internal world. I never found out what the silver ball meant.
Kay Redfield JamisonTags: psychology depression bipolar-disorder mental-illness manic-depression mental-disorder psychopathology bipolar mania manic
We all build internal sea walls to keep at bay the sadnesses of life and the often overwhelming forces within our minds... But love is, to me, the ultimately more extraordinary part of the breakwater wall: it helps to shut out the terror and awfulness, while, at the same time, allowing in life and beauty and vitality.
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