Love, it kills you, both when you have it and when you don't.
Lauren OliverThat is the strangest thing about the world: how it looks so different from every point of view.
Lauren OliverTime becomes a stutter-the space between drumbeats, splintered into fragments, and also endlessly long, as long as soaring guitar notes that melt into one another, as full as the dark mass of bodies around me. I feel like the air downstairs has gone to liquid, to sweat and smell and sound, and I have broken apart in it. I am wave: I am pulled into the everything. I am energy and noise and a heartbeat going boom, boom, boom, echoing the drums.
Lauren OliverTags: concert
And for a moment―for a split second―everything else falls away, the whole pattern and order of my life, and a huge joy crests in my chest. I am no one, and I owe nothing to anybody, and my life is my own.
Lauren OliverThere is only what you want and what happens. There is only grabbing on and holding tight in the darkness.
Lauren OliverTags: darkness desires holding-on
For a second we just stand there in silence. Then, suddenly, Alex is back,
easy and smiling again. “I left a note for you one time. In the Governor’s fist, you
know?”
I left a note for you one time. It’s impossible, too crazy to think about, and I
hear myself repeating, “You left a note for me?”
“I’m pretty sure it said something stupid. Just hi, and a smiley face, and my
name. But then you stopped coming.” He shrugs. “It’s probably still there. The
note, I mean. Probably just a bit of paper pulp by now.
Lena.” Alex’s voice is stronger, more forceful now, and it finally stops me.
He turns so that we’re face-to-face. At that moment my shoes skim off the sand
bottom, and I realize that the water is lapping up to my neck. The tide is coming
in fast. “Listen to me. I’m not who—I’m not who you think I am.”
I have to fight to stand. All of a sudden the currents tug and pull at me. It’s
always seemed this way. The tide goes out a slow drain, comes back in a rush.
“What do you mean?”
His eyes—shifting gold, amber, an animal’s eyes—search my face, and
without knowing why, I’m scared again. “I was never cured,” he says. For a
moment I close my eyes and imagine I’ve misheard him, imagine I’ve only
confused the shushing of the waves for his voice. But when I open my eyes he’s
still standing there, staring at me, looking guilty and something else—sad,
maybe?—and I know I heard correctly. He says, “I never had the procedure.”
“You mean it didn’t work?” I say. My body is tingling, going numb, and I
realize then how cold it is. “You had the procedure and it didn’t work? Like what
happened to my mom?”
“No, Lena. I—” He looks away, squinting, says under his breath, “I don’t
know how to explain.
Maybe he sees it on my face, that fraction of a second when
I let my guard down, because in that moment his expression softens and his eyes
go bright as flame and even though I barely see him move, suddenly he has
closed the space between us and he’s wrapping his warm hands over my
shoulders—fingers so warm and strong I almost cry out—and saying, “Lena. I
like you, okay? That’s it. That’s all. I like you.” His voice is so low and hypnotic
it reminds me of a song. I think of predators dropping silently from trees: I think
of enormous cats with glowing amber eyes, just like his.
I’m Hana,” Hana says. “And this is Lena.” She jabs me with an elbow. I
know I must look like a fish, standing there with my mouth gaping open, but I’m
too outraged to speak. He’s lying. I know he’s the one I saw yesterday, would bet
my life on it.
“Alex. Nice to meet you.” Alex keeps his eyes on me as he and Hana shake
hands. Then he extends a hand to me. “Lena,” he says thoughtfully. “I’ve never
heard that name before.
Tags: alex lena-holoway hana
Would you like to?” he says. His voice is hardly audible above the wind—
so low it’s barely a whisper.
“Would I like to what?” My heart is roaring, rushing in my ears, and though
there are still several inches between his hand and mine, there’s a zipping,
humming energy that connects us, and from the heat flooding my body you
would think we were pressed together, palm to palm, face to face.
“Dance,” he says, at the same time closing those last few inches and finding
my hand and pulling me closer, and at that second the song hits a high note and I
confuse the two impressions, of his hand and the soaring, the lifting of the music.
We dance.
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