I have that old sinking feeling. I've been overly available, sickeningly sweet and forever enabling all in the name of being 'liked.' I've compromised myself. I've suffered fools, idiots and dullards. I've gone on far too many dates with men because I felt guilty that they liked me more than I liked them. I've fallen deeply and madly I'm love with men I've never met just because I thought they looked 'deep.' I've built whole futures with men I hardly knew; I've planned weddings and named invisible children based on a side glance. I've made chemistry where there was none. I've forced intimacy while building higher Walls. I've been alone in a two year relationship. I've faked more orgasms than I can count while being comfortable with no affection at all.
I realise I have to make a decision right here and now. Do I go back to the sliver of a person I was before or do I, despite whatever bullshit happened tonight, hold on to this... This authenticity? If I go back to the the way I was before tonight, I'll have to compromise myself, follow rules with men who have none, hold my tongue, be quiet and laugh at shitty jokes. I have to never be challenged, yet be called challenging when I have an opinion or, really, speak at all. I'll never be torched by someone and get goosebumps again. I'll never be outside of myself. I'll never let go. I'll never lose myself. I'll never know what real love is - both for someone else and for me. I'll look back on this life and wish I could do it all over again. I finally see the consequences of that life. The path more travelled only led to someone else's life: an idealised, saturated world of White picket fences and gingham tablecloths. A life where the real me is locked away. Sure i had a plus-one but at what price? No. No matter how awkward and painful this gets, I can't go back.
My hero finally found me in that too-high tower, rescued me from it's cold walls, set me down among free men and bolted.
Freedom, with all it's possibilities, just feels cold and lonely. I want to go back to my tower. I need those walls. I need the protection.
The walls were always my true plus-one.
Don't take the people you love for granted. Don't ever be scared to love someone with your whole heart. Be transparent.
Liza PalmerThis is what it feels like to love someone. The fear that they could be harmed and you'd be helpless keeps you up at night. It's a rift in your logic. It turns you from sensible into someone who's inside out.
Liza PalmerThere is more good than bad. Life and love win if you let them. If you believe in them.
Liza PalmerI think, How small my life seemed then. How little I wanted for myself. How little I expected of myself and those who claimed to love me.
Liza PalmerSome days you're Superman, some days you're Clark Kent.
Liza PalmerTags: humor
Once you taste a little of the sweetness that life can be, there really is no going back.
Liza PalmerTags: life-experience
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