Never in a million years did I think I’d end up making a career out of singing. I didn’t think it was possible. As far as I knew, the only way I could make any dough was to go and work in a factory, like everyone else in Aston.
Or rob a f**king bank.
'OSBOURNE!’ he shouted. ‘YOU’RE A DISGRACE TO YOURSELF AND TO THIS SCHOOL. BRING ME A SHOE.’
The room went so quiet you could have heard a mouse fart.
I even tried to join the army, but they wouldn’t have me. The bloke in the uniform took one look at my ugly mug and said, ‘Sorry, we want subjects, not objects'.
Ozzy OsbourneIn 1964 something totally unexpected happened.
I got a job I enjoyed.
I was fifteen when I left school. And what did I get to show for my ten years in the British education system? A piece of paper which said:
John Osbourne attended Birchfield Road Secondary Modern.
Signed, Mr Oldham (Headmaster)
That was f**king it. Not a single qualification. Nothing. I had two career choices: manual labour or manual labour.
I think that anyone who eats meat should visit a slaughterhouse at least once in their life, just to see what goes on. It’s a bloody, filthy, putrid f**king business.
Ozzy OsbourneApart from Tony Iommi – who I’d never seen again since leaving school – I didn’t even know anyone who could play a musical instrument. So, instead, I decided to grow my hair long and get some tattoos. At least I’d look the part.
The hair was easy. The tattoos stung like a f**king bastard.
Bands like The Move, Traffic and The Moody Blues were proving that you didn’t have to be from Liverpool to be successful.
Ozzy OsbourneI stomped down the hallway, twisted the latch on the front door, and yanked it open.
‘Are you… “Ozzy Zig”?’ said Guy Fawkes, in a thick Brummie accent.
‘Who wants to know?’ I said, folding my arms.
‘Terry Butler,’ he said. ‘I saw your ad.’
That was exactly what I’d hoped he was going to say. Truth was, I’d been waiting a long time for this moment. I’d dreamed about it. I’d fantasised about it. I’d had conversations with myself on the shitter about it. One day, I thought, people might write newspaper articles about my ad in the window of Ringway Music, saying it was the turning point in the life of John Michael Osbourne, ex-car horn tuner.
‘Tell me, Mr Osbourne,’ I’d be asked by Robin Day on the BBC, ‘when you were growing up in Aston, did you ever think that a simple advert in a music shop window would lead to you becoming the fifth member of the Beatles, and your sister Iris getting married to Paul McCartney?’
And I’d answer, ‘Never in a million years, Robin, never in a million years.’
It was a f**king awesome ad.
The funny thing is, I was never much of a fighter. Better a live coward than a dead hero, that was my motto.
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