I’m looking for Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,” I declared.
He did not respond.
“It’s a book,” I said. “Not a person.”
Nope. Nothing.
“At the very least, can you tell me the author?”
He looked at his computer, as if it had some way to speak to me without any typing on his part.
“Are you wearing headphones that I can’t see?” I asked.
He scratched at the inside of his elbow.
“Do you know me?” I persisted. “Did I grind you to a pulp in kindergarten, and are you now getting sadistic pleasure from this petty revenge?
Stephen Little, is that you? Is it? I was much younger then, and foolish to have nearly drowned you in that water fountain. In my defense, your
prior destruction of my book report was a completely unwarranted act of aggression.”
Finally, a response. The information desk clerk shook his shaggy head.
“No?” I said.
“I am not allowed to disclose the location of Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,” he explained. “Not to you. Not to anyone. And while I am not Stephen
Little, you should be ashamed of what you did to him. Ashamed.
Tags: funny
I lost myself immediately in one of the books, only emerging when the phone rang.
“Dashiell?” my father intoned. As if someone else with my voice might be answering the phone at my mother’s apartment.
“Yes, Father?”
“Leeza and I would like to wish you a merry Christmas.”
“Thank you, Father. And to you, as well.”
[awkward pause]
[even more awkward pause]
“I hope your mother isn’t giving you any trouble.”
Oh, Father, I love it when you play this game.
“She told me if I clean all the ashes out of the grate, then I’ll be able to help my sisters get ready for the ball.”
“It’s Christmas, Dashiell. Can’t you give that attitude a rest?”
“Merry Christmas, Dad. And thanks for the presents.”
“What presents?”
“I’m sorry—those were all from Mom, weren’t they?”
“Dashiell …”
“I gotta go. The gingerbread men are on
How would I ever know when that moment was right, when expectation met anticipation and formed...connection?
Rachel CohnWell what's in your Amazonian hope chest?
Rachel CohnHellaciously Homely.
Rachel CohnGoodwill to Spazzy up in gerbil heaven. Sorry sorry sorry. I stopped eating meat the day of the massacre, as penance for Spazzy. I've been a vegetarian since age six, all for the love of a gerbil.
Rachel CohnGet out of bed and feed me already, person!
Rachel CohnI mean, what if love isn't a yes-or-no question? It's not either you're in love or you're not. I mean, aren't these different levels? And maybe these things, like words and expectations and whatever, don't go on top of the love. Maybe it's like a map, and they have all their own place, and when you see it from the sky - whoa.
Rachel CohnI mean, like most guys, you carry around this girl in your head, who is exactly who you want her to be. The person you think you will love the most. And every girl you are with gets measured against this girl in your head. So this girl with the red notebook - it makes sense. If you never met her, she never has to get measured. She can be the girl in your head.
Rachel CohnListen to me: I never married because I was too easily bored. It's an awful, self-defeating trait to have. It's much better to be too easily interested.
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