You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF.
Cassandra ClareTags: humour funny the-mortal-instruments jordan-kyle the-mortal-instruments-series
Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee."
That was code. It meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important.
Tags: humor random absurd funny
So scared to take the Advanced English test today. Well, maybe not since I'm obviously going to get in.
Azaria H.I scoop a clattering cascade of green apple Jelly Bellys into the white paper bag and remember when we were seven. I got stung by a jellyfish. Tim cried because his mother, and mine, wouldn’t let him pee on my leg, which he’d heard was an antidote to the sting.
Huntley FitzpatrickI like eggs and bacon,” George tells me. “But”—his face clouds—“do you know that bacon is”—tears leap to his eyes—“Wilbur?” Mrs. Garrett sits down next to him immediately. “George, we’ve been through this. Remember? Wilbur did not get made into bacon.” “That’s right.” I bend down too as wetness overflows George’s lashes. “Charlotte the spider saved him. He lived a long and happy life—with Charlotte’s daughters, um, Nelly and Urania and—” “Joy,” Mrs. Garrett concludes. “You, Samantha, are a keeper. I hope you don’t shoplift.”I start to cough. “No. Never.” “Then is bacon Babe, Mom? Is it Babe?”“No, no, Babe’s still herding sheep. Bacon is not Babe. Bacon is only made from really mean pigs,George.” Mrs. Garrett strokes his hair, then brushes his tears away.“Bad pigs,” I clarify.“There are bad pigs?” George looks nervous. Oops.“Well, pigs with, um, no soul.” That doesn’t sound good either. I cast around for a good explanation. “Like the animals that don’t talk in Narnia.” Dumb. George is four. Would he know Narnia yet? He’s still at Curious George.But understanding lights his face. “Oh. That’s okay then. ’Cause I really like bacon.
Huntley FitzpatrickTags: funny kids george-george-george
Are you mad that he's here?" Marie whispered in my ear.
I shook my head while I prepared two vodka tonics.
"Well, you look mad." She laughed at me. "What's wrong?"
"I'm allergic to whores," I said under my breath.
Tags: funny
Warren made a noise, the first one I'd heard out of him since we'd come into the room. I'd have been happier if he hadn't sounded scared.
"Easy, Warren," Adam told him. "You're safe here.”
"If you die on us, you won't be," said Kyle with a growl that would have done credit to any of the werewolves in the room.
Tags: friendship funny mercy-thompson
Come live with us, Diana. Don't argue. Just say yes."
Diana looked at the ground to hide her emotions. Then she said, "Would I have to be hearing you two going at it night and day?
Tags: sex light funny gone gone-series sam astrid diana michael-grant come-live-with-us
It’s a long shot, but this baby is pretty cool.” He pushed the button that brought up the menu. “I need to run a search.”
“Of course, master,” the computer said with an inviting smile. “Which pornographic material should I seek out today?”
Dante grinned. “Really? You can do that?” He felt Meg’s stare. “Nothing like that.
Tags: funny paranormal perv computer-intelligence
What I don’t get is how this helps me. You two get superpowers, and I get what?”Cian smiled broadly. “You have a power, Meggie. You have a magical pussy. It was sleeping with you together that brought us into our power. That vagina of yours is pure gold, lover.” Meg gave Cian a playful shove and rolled her eyes while he and his brother had a good laugh.“Don’t go expecting to use it on anyone else,” Beck said as though the thought had suddenly occurred to him. “That only works on the two of us.”Meg walked up to him and gave him a saucy smile. “Yes, Beck, I was planning on opening up shop. I was going to hang a sign on the cottage door and charge for it.
Sophie OakTags: paranormal-romance funny sacasm
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