Can I please have 8 dollars worth of salt?
SazzTags: funny wrong-order
His beard was nonexistent, except for a carefully trimmed goatee that met his mustache on both sides of his mouth.
The overall effect was decidedly villainous. He needed a black horse and a barbarian horde to lead. That or a crew of cutthroats, a ship with blood-red sails, and some knucklehead heroine to lust after.
“Look, I’ve had a bad day. How about you just walk away from my Jeep?”
The volhv smiled wider, flashing even white teeth.
If he started stroking his beard, I’d have to kill him on principle.“He raised his hand to his goatee.
That does it.
“Yeah. And what’s with the beard and the horse mane? You look like Rent-a-Villain.
Tags: funny roman kate-daniels kate-humor
I remember the will said, 'May God thy gold refine.' That must be from the Bible."
"Shakespeare," Turtle said. All quotations were either from the Bible or Shakespeare.
Tags: shakespeare funny bible meta
Marla said, "This isn't like when guys sit backward on the toilet and pretend it's a motorcycle. This is a genuine accident.
Chuck PalahniukTags: humor funny motorcycle page-108
I got mixed up with some oddness in my youth, and the long and short of it is that I can't shuffle off this mortal coil until I have read the ten most boring classics.
Jasper FfordeTags: funny irony boring-books
I knew this would happen," Marla says. "You're such a flake. You love me. You ignore me. You save my life, then you cook my mother into soap.
Chuck PalahniukTags: humor love funny soap pages-159-160
One of these days I'm gonna beat him in the face with the butt of my service revolver until an eyeball pops out. These are the thoughts that keep me happy.
John LaymanTags: humor funny violence chew john-layman
I am not schizoid. A little manic-depressive, maybe."
"'Know thyself.'"
"We try, sir.
Tags: insanity funny know-thyself schizo manic-depressive
Tex's head snapped in my direction.
Fuckin' A, woman, you've never had a s'more? he boomed
I shook my head.
Christ, everyone's gotta have a s'more before they die. Fuck that shit, I'll build a fire in my backyard tonight and I'll stop by Kumar's on the way home to get the stuff. Everyone can come by-
Tags: funny regret hilarious sadie hector tex rock-chick smores
Indeed. Oh, and Fal?”
“Yeah?”
“Get laid, while you’re up there, won’t you?”
“Oh, God.”
“Seriously. Your hymen’s going to grow back, it’s been so long. Have a fling. It might lighten you up.”
“Goodbye, Rache.”
Meg Maguire, The Reluctant Nude
Tags: funny virginity-recaptured
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