It's not because I want to make out with her."
Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit
Tags: funny
There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis.
This was not one of those times.
Tags: funny
She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.
John GreenTags: funny
We were kissing.
I thought: This is good.
I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.
I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe.
Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. "You slobbered on my nose," she said, and laughed
Tags: funny
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy SundayTags: humor funny religious automobile car
The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.
Peter S. BeagleGoogle “brooklyn writer” and you’ll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?
Colson WhiteheadTags: writers funny awesome brooklyn
The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.
Galileo GalileiTags: funny
What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.
Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
Lemony SnicketTags: funny
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