My instinct was always have your gun in your hand. Especially when you are telling somebody to do something.

But, in fact, the police academy discourages this. They feel your gun should rarely, if ever, be brought out of its holster. Most certainly not when children are involved, which is exactly when I saw myself using my gun most often. A truant teenager loitering outside a movie theater is going to be far more motivated to return to school when he has the barrel of a .45 pressed against his cheek.

Augusten Burroughs


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Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.

Augusten Burroughs

Mots clés humor math



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So that's what I'm here to become. And suddenly, this word fills me with a brand of sadness I haven't felt since childhood. The kind of sadness you feel at the end of summer. When the fireflies are gone, the ponds have dried up and the plants are wilted, weary from being so green.

Augusten Burroughs


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I just look at her and she creeps me out. She looks like she would eat a baby. Not that she's fat. She just looks hungry in some dangerous way that can't be explained. She's always so nice and friendly. Exactly the disposition of a baby killer.

Augusten Burroughs


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your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone.

Augusten Burroughs

Mots clés psychological



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He continues to smile expectantly. I take a step back. I don't want to catch whatever he has. He is a disturbing out-of-uniform Santa.

Augusten Burroughs

Mots clés smile santa disturbing



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The reason I know what we are to each other is because we fight freely and almost constantly, about even the smallest thing. In fact, once we didn't speak for an entire week because he didn't like the way I loaded his dishwasher...I can't decide if we're exact opposites, or somehow exactly the same except for minor cosmetic differences. I do know that all of his friends hate me and all of my friends hate him. We drive each other crazy in ways that nobody else can even touch. We never bore each other. And we both realize what a rare thing this is.

Augusten Burroughs


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I was like a packet of powdered Sea Monkeys and they were like water.

Augusten Burroughs


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To me, these people were as exotic as animals in a zoo. I'd never seen anything like them. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be one of them or simply live among them taking notes and photographs.

Augusten Burroughs


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My life came complete with a factory-installed biological brother seven years my senior.

Augusten Burroughs


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