Судя по всему, мать уже две недели постоянно убирается на чердаке и находит одни и те же фотографии с Рождества в Нью-Йорке. Я это Рождество помню смутно. Как она несколько часов выбирала мне платье в сочельник, причесывала длинными, легкими взмахами. Рождественское шоу в Радио-Сити, и как я ела там полосатую карамельку — она походила на исхудавшего напуганного Санта-Клауса. Как отец напился вечером в Плазе, как родители ссорились в такси по дороге в Карлайл, а ночью я слышала их ругань и, конечно, звон стекла за стеной. Рождественский ужин в La Grenouille, где отец порывался поцеловать маму, а та отворачивалась. Но лучше всего, так отчетливо, что меня аж скручивает, я помню одну вещь: в ту поездку мы не фотографировались.
Bret Easton EllisНе поймешь, чего он хочет. Смотришь на Тима, и тебя словно обдает волнами неуверенности, отсутствия цели, задачи, будто перед тобой человек, который совсем не имеет значения.
Bret Easton EllisFear never shows up and the party ends early.
Bret Easton EllisPeople are afraid to merge.
Bret Easton Ellis...a flood of reality. I get an odd feeling that this is a crucial moment in my life and I'm startled by the suddenness of what I guess passes for an epiphany. There is nothing of value I can offer her. For the first time I see her as uninhibited; she seems stronger, less controllable, wanting to take me into a new and unfamiliar land - the dreaded uncertainty of a totally different world. I sense she wants to rearrange my life in a significant way - her eyes tell me this and though I see truth in them, I also know that one day, sometime very soon, she too will be locked in the rhythm of my insanity. All I have to do is keep silent about this and not bring it up - yet she weakens me, it's almost as if she's making the decision about who I am, and in my own stubborn, willful way I can admit to feeling a pang, something tightening inside, and before I can stop it I find myself almost dazzled and moved that I might have the capacity to accept, though not return, her love. I wonder if even now, right here in Nowheres, she can see the darkening clouds behind my eyes lifting. And though the coldness I have always felt leaves me, the numbness doesn't and probably never will.
Bret Easton EllisBy the time you finish reading this sentence, a Boeing jetliner will take off or land somewhere in the world.
Bret Easton EllisBut this was what happened when you didn't want to visit and confront the past: the past starts visiting and confronting you.
Bret Easton EllisYou learn to move on without the people you love.
Bret Easton EllisI had dreamed of something so different from what reality was now offering up, but that dream had been a blind man's vision. That dream was a miracle. The morning was fading. And I remembered yet again that I was a tourist here.
Bret Easton EllisWhy was I holding on to something that would never be mine? But isn't that what people do?
Bret Easton EllisMots clés human-nature attachment holding-on
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