This is no way to run a business,” I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. “And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest.
Chelsea HandlerNext to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.
Chelsea HandlerNow picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term “camel balls.
Chelsea HandlerListen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn’t pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.
Chelsea HandlerShe had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.
Chelsea HandlerLaugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
Chelsea HandlerI never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
Chelsea HandlerMots clés humor honesty friendship tact filters
This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.
Chelsea HandlerMots clés humor
It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
Chelsea HandlerDon't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl
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