Garret Swopes was a lot like a hot gay friend only he wasn't gay, which was too bad because then I could tell him how hot he was without him getting the wrong idea.
Darynda JonesCaptain," I said, letting the surprise I felt filter into my voice. It was weird how every time I said the word captain, I wanted to tack on a Jack Sparrow at the end.
Darynda JonesHe's helped me a lot over the years."
"I'm sure he has. You scratch his back. He scratches yours."
"I have skin allergies. I'm itchy.
What would you do if you were sent to hell?"
"Stop, drop, and roll?
Can you find out how owns C and R industries? They bought the old abandoned mental asylum downtown."
"That old thing? What are they going to do with it?"
"I don't know. I was hoping their overcompensating sign would say, but it just says 'private property' and shouts lots of threats in capital letters, all of which I plan to completely ignore later.
Wait, maybe I could get a reality TV contract. We could call it Grim in the City.
Darynda JonesI'm sorry to have to tell you this way, but your mother and I are separating." When I pressed my mouth together, he corrected, "Stepmother. We're just - We're going in different directions."
"I don't know what to say, Dad. 'Hurray' just seems wrong.
We could make this work, you know."
"I will knee you in the groin."
"I could give you a night you will never forget."
"Because you will be writhing in agony all night and I will laugh unmercifully. It will be unforgettable.
You are going to bring an army against the ruler of hell and put him down once and for all. And he is doing everything in his power to stop you."
Oh, yeah, Garrett needed to be on medication. "But why would I want to do all of this? And how would I raise an army? I'm just not that good at organisation. Will they expect to be fed?
Freaking men. It didn't matter what the problem was, they saw only three solutions to it: food, sex, war.
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