In complete silence you can’t hear a thing. Just ask a deaf person—but ask them with your fingers.

Jarod Kintz


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I wrote a coded love note in my report for work. All the letters you need to read what I wrote are there—you just have to find them and rearrange the order until you’ve arrived at something romantic, and then you’ll have discovered what I wrote.

Jarod Kintz


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I don’t get the phrase, “Cut to the chase.” When I’m exasperated with all the verbal running around and skirting the issue, the last thing I want is more chasing. Let’s cut to the caught.

Jarod Kintz


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I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.

Jarod Kintz


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I could write from anywhere, including the moon, provided I had a pencil and not a pen.

Jarod Kintz


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My hero’s hero is not necessarily my hero, unless my clone’s hero is my clone’s clone.

Jarod Kintz


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My advice: Give it to whoever they are for, before whoever they are gets wherever they are going.

Jarod Kintz


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I should invent a stationary bike/electrical generator/phonograph player, so that when the grid goes down I will have motivation to exercise for my nightly entertainment.

Jarod Kintz


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I’ll show you my nipples if you show me yours. It’s a good deal, because I’m offering three, while you’re probably only offering two.

Jarod Kintz


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Do I look like someone you know? Well you don’t know me, so why don’t you go bother my clone? And if you do see my clone, tell him I should have made an omelet out of him when I had the chance.

Jarod Kintz


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