I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.

Jarod Kintz

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I want my words to illuminate like the sun, as I give my daily lecture on photosynthesis to my houseplants.

Jarod Kintz

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I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.

Jarod Kintz

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There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.

Jarod Kintz

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When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.

Jarod Kintz

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In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.

Jarod Kintz

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I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I'm finally ready to enter into organized crime.

Jarod Kintz

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With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.

Jarod Kintz

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I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.

Jarod Kintz

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I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line.

Jarod Kintz

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