A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device. 


Jarod Kintz


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A brick could be used like a duck could be used like a cat. My duck soup is meowing to be manhandled by a construction worker.


Jarod Kintz


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A brick could be used to declare war on a country made of glass. I’ll bet those citizens would love to drink vodka dyed blue like window cleaner. 


Jarod Kintz


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When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.

Jarod Kintz


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They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.

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My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

Jarod Kintz


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A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?


Jarod Kintz


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A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate. 


Jarod Kintz


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With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone.

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I cried at the funeral. It wasn’t because I loved her, it was because I was there, in the front pew at the church, chopping onions.

Jarod Kintz


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