By a simple show of hands, who here is wearing gloves?

Jarod Kintz


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I took my pants off slowly, thinking if I did it too fast I’d possibly rip a hole in the center of the universe.

Jarod Kintz


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Ten years have gone by since the ten year anniversary, and I still remember it like it happened a decade ago.

Jarod Kintz


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My sword can cut through butter like water. Likewise, my tongue can cut through the logic of love.

Jarod Kintz


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I’d eat a mosquito to satisfy my hunger for an itch.

Jarod Kintz


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I fill my life with speech, but not with people who are truly listening.

Jarod Kintz


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I would hate to see seventeen people with monosyllabic names like Mike or Ann die, but if they did, and you wrote down all their names in groups of 5-7-5, you'd have one tragic haiku.

Jarod Kintz


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Someday I want to write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word.

Jarod Kintz


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(Picture of a pirate standing on a treasure chest) It's not about the chest, it's all about the booty.

Jarod Kintz


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The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d like the steak—medium rare—mashed potatoes, green beans, and a salad on the side. And some rolls and butter would be great, thanks. Separate checks, by the way.

Jarod Kintz


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