Yeah, I hook up with older guys. And then I leave them, before they can leave me.
Leah RaederI saw his pupils dilating like a pulsing black heart. I saw every tremor of strain and pleasure that went through him. I watched what I did to him, how vulnerable he became as he gave himself to me…
Leah RaederOur gazes struck like flint and steel. And I realized that gunsmoke smell wasn’t ozone. It was us. We burned.
Leah RaederThat’s how you know someone loves you. When they want you to be happy even in the part of your life they’ll never see. But right then I was too stuck in the moment, in the visceral pleasure of it all.
Leah RaederSo if we’re both so happy, why are we sad?
Leah RaederWhy did everything beautiful come from pain?
Leah RaederAre you in love with him?”
I rolled my head on the plank to look at Wesley.
“I don’t think I know what being in love is yet. But this is different than anything I’ve ever felt.”
“What’s it feel like?”
“Remember when you thought I was jumping off to kill myself?”
He winced.
“It’s like that,” I said.
“But no one catches you. You’re just hanging over infinity.
Just that. A pleasant daze. My body was full of sunlight. No blood, just liquid blue sky.
Leah RaederWhat the hell am I? I thought. Too old to be a real teenager, too young to drink. Old enough to die in a war, fuck grown men, and be completely confused about what I was doing with my life.
Leah RaederNo pretensions of goodness, of trying to do the right thing. We’d both wanted to embrace this fucked-up thing between us.
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