I feel like I've been
shut in a closet, and he's on the other side,
and he doesn't have the key to unlock the
door.
We're all creatures of complex needs
and desires. The only certain thing in a romantic relationship is that you will both change, and one morning you will wake up, go the mirror, and see a stranger. You
will have what you wanted, and discover
you want something different. You think
you know who you are, and then you'll
surprise yourself. In all the choices in front of you, Restless, one thing is clear: love is not
something to be thrown away lightly.
There was something about this man, beyond
coincidences of timing and opportunity,
that drew you to him. Before you give
up on the marriage . . . give him a chance.
Be honest with him about the needs that
aren't being met, the dreams you want to
pursue. Let him find out who you really
are. Let him help you in the work of opening
that door, so the two of you can finally
meet after all these years.
How do you know he can't satisfy your
emotional needs? How can you be sure he
doesn't long for magic and passion just as
you do? Can you state with absolute certainty
that you know everything there is to
know about him?
There are rewards to be gained from the
effort, even if it fails. And it will take courage
as well as patience, Restless. Try
everything you can . . . fight to stay with a
man who loves you. Just for now, put
aside the question of what you might have
had with someone else, and focus on what
you can have, what you do have, at this
very moment. I hope you'll find new questions,
and that your husband might be the
answer.
It was a confirmation of
a connection that already existed. And it was
a bond that extended far beyond the borders
of a shared living space. We would have
stayed together even without a marriage certificate
. . . but I believed in the permanence
it represented.
It was a piece of paper you could build a life on.
If you pretend
everything's fine long enough,
everything eventually becomes fine.
I didn't think there was any way to convince
Jack that he wanted more than I had to
give, that to people who'd been damaged the
way I had been, fear and the will to survive
would always be more powerful than attachment.
I could only love in a limited way
I had learned this lesson so many times
before. It was the great inner truth that
didn't require the support of logic. Every
time I loved, I lost, and I was diminished.
I wondered how much of me would be left
after tomorrow.
I understood finally that the thing I
should have feared most was not loss, but
never loving. The price for safety was the regret
I felt at this moment. And yet I would
have to live with it for the rest of my life
Women beg me for it, and not the other way around."
"Then you should go to one of them."
"Oh, I will. When we return to London, I'm going to embark on a spree of orgiastic debauchery that won't end until someone is arrested for it. But in the meanwhile...do you truly expect that the two of us are going to share a bed tonight-and tomorrow night-as chastely as a pair of nuns on holiday?
What happened to your stammer?"
"I suppose I must feel comfortable with you. I tend to stammer less with certain people."
"No one's ever told me that I'm a comfortable sort. I'm sure I don't like it. I'll have to do something diabolical soon to correct your impression.
It's me, love," he said softly. "Everything's all right."
Daisy managed to whisper through dry lips. "If you're a ghost...I hope you haunt me forever."
Matthew sat on the floor and reached for her cold hands. "Would a ghost use the door?" he asked gently, bringing her fingers to his scratched, battered face.
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