On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

Tom Lehrer

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If the hoods don't get you, the monoxide will.

Tom Lehrer

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All books can be indecent books
Though recent books are bolder,
For filth, I'm glad to say, is in
The mind of the beholder.
When correctly viewed,
Everything is lewd.
I could tell you things about Peter Pan
And the Wizard of Oz, there's a dirty old man...

Tom Lehrer

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I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity.

Tom Lehrer

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