After I cut off his penis, I sautéed it in rosemary butter and ate it"
"But did you go to a meeting afterwards?"
"Yes"
"I wouldn't worry about it, then.
I wish Rick would be gang-raped by a bunch of Muslim garbage collectors.
Augusten BurroughsHis toes wriggle in his socks and my first thought is, I want to snip them off with hedge trimmers. Not only does he not deserve to wriggle his toes, he does not deserve to have toes. He deserves to gave stumps. He cannot be trusted with toes because they enable him to walk and thus seek out the company of crack dealers. Kathy Bates's character completed understood this concept in Misery.
Augusten BurroughsHis laugh is made if porch swings and lemonade
Augusten BurroughsWe haven't slept together. But we've napped
Augusten BurroughsI once read about a guy who lost his arms in a fire. The nurse took pity on him and gave him a hand job. I don't even get that.
Augusten BurroughsIt is astonishingly satisfying to look at him and think Closet Case, and know he can read my mind as he looks away flushed. All Mormons are gay, I believe. Rick is merely a further example.
Augusten BurroughsNever work with children, puppies or bulimics
Augusten BurroughsI understood at once, I am not living, but actively dying. I am smoking, living unhealthily. I’m shutting down. I need to go the other way, inside. And it was so clear to me what I was doing. It was suddenly perfectly clear.
I understood, I need to write. Live here, in my words, and my head. I need to go inside, that’s all. No big, complicated, difficult thing. I just need to go in reverse. And not worry about what to write about, but just write. Or, if I’m going to worry about what to write, then do this worrying on paper, so at least I’m writing and will have a record of the anxiety.
Nothing surprises me now," I tell him. I am stoic. I am Joan of Arc, with liver damage and an unused penis.
Augusten BurroughsTag: humor
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