I hadn't learned anything new, except that another one of the Dead Elvises had an affinity for the Shop-n-Go. And Jack officially thought I'd lost my last marble.
Brodi AshtonIf you're gonna leave, I wish you'd just leave."
I flinched. "What?"
"Why do you keep coming back if you're not going to stay?" The hand that held mine tightened its grip, and my fingers turned white. "Because even when you're gone, you're never really gone."
I could feel his hot breath on my face.
"Whatever it is that's got a pull on you-and taking you away-it's strong. Stronger than any of us here. I can tell. And I won't get over it if you keep coming back."
I couldn't believe what he was saying. "Jack,I-"
"No.Losing you once was hard enough. And now you're here again and everything's coming back.I'm going to get screwed. And I can't do it again. And the people around me can't watch me do it again.
I pushed his hair away from his eyes and took a closer look at his cheek. Maybe there really had been a boy in the street, but I also wouldn't put it past Cole to make one appear,if he had that power.
Jack's eyes opened fully,and he looked at me with half a grin. "You remember the first time I told you I loved you?" His words slurred together.
"Shhhhh.Don't talk.The paramedics are on their way."
"Do you?"
I touched his cheek and he winced. I could almost taste his pain,as if it were a tangible element in the air.I could feel my body hungering for the hurt.It was the first time since I'd Returned that I craved someone else's energy.Even at my lowest point,those last moments in the Everneath,I'd never felt a need for it.Until now.Until I was faced with emotions this strong.
He tilted his head toward me,and I jerked back. The taste in the air became bitter and sweet,a mixture of pain and longing.
"Tell me you remember," he said. "Please.
So you're really going to the dance?"
I nodded as I sipped from the mug.
"Alone?"
"Not technically.There should be other people there too."
He raised his eyebrows. "Did my sullen daughter just make a joke?" I smiled as he gave a chuckle. "You always used to make jokes when you were nervous," he said. His smile disappeared and he put a hand on my arm. "Are you nervous?"
He knew me better than I thought. "A little."
"Then why are you doing? I mean, won't most everyone there have dates?" He cleared his throat. "Because Tommy and I have a mean game of Uno planned."
I hugged him. "Thanks,Dad. Wish me luck.
Hey,Nik."
I turned around to see Cole, dressed head to toe in black. Black suit, black shirt,black tie hanging loose around his neck.
He looked me up and down. His gaze paused briefly on my legs, and his mouth opened slightly. I folded my arms.
"Um...you...look beautiful," he said.
"You look black," I replied.
"Thank you.That's the look I was going for." He held a hand out. "C'mon. Let's dance."
I didn't move. "What were you going to show me?"
"Dance with me first."
I shook my head.
"Look,Nik, I know you don't like public scrutiny lately. If you stand off to the side,all mopey and such, without a date,you'll stick out like a nun at a strip club." He leaned in. "Trust me, I've seen one. A nun at a strip club, that is.Everyone was staring at her.
I shouldn't have come," I said.
"Of course you should've. Otherwise I'd be fending off advances from Mrs. Stone.
Jack was behind it,waiting, with the corner of his lip pulled up in not quite a smile. "What?" he demanded.
"What what?" I asked.
He held my note up in front of my face. "What do you remember?"
Everything. But I couldn't tell him that. I shrugged and said, "Things." Then I made a move to leave,but Jack's strong arm blocked my way,his hand pressing against the locker behind my back.
"No you don't.You can't leave a note like this"-he waved the paper-"and then say 'things.' I want to know what, exactly, you remember."
People in the hallway stared and I could feel my face going red. Jack noticed, and put his other arm up against the lockers,blocking me in. My pulse went nuts.It had to be visible on my wrists.
Jack's face was inches from mine. His breath was minty, and I could smell the rustic scent of his aftershave,and whatever strong emotion he was feeling, it tasted sweet. I breathed it in, and the inhalation was embarrassingly loud.
His eyes searched mine. "This is the first opening you've given me, and I'm not letting you get out of it." He paused. "What do you remember?"
I looked behind him, at the curious spectators, and squinted my eyes shut, unable to bear the scrutiny anymore.
"Say something,Becks. Say anything."
"You," I said. "I remember you." I kept my eyes shut,and felt his hands drop. He didn't move back.
"What do you remember about me?" There was strong emotion behind his voice. Something he fought to control.
With my eyes closed,I could easily picture the other side of the century.
"I remember the way your hand could cover my entire shoulder. The way your lower lip stuck out when you were working out a problem in your head. And how you flick you ring finger with your thumb when you get impatient."
I opened my eyes,and the words no longer got stuck in my throat on their way out. They flowed. "And when something surprises you and you don't know what to say,you get a tiny wrinkle in between your eyebrows." I reached up to touch the divot,then hesitated and lowered my hand. "It showed on the day the coach told you you'd made first-string quarterback.And it's showing now."
For a moment the space between us held no tension,no questions, no accusations.
Finally he leaned back, a stunned expression on his face. "Where do we go from here?"
"Nowhere,really," I whispered. "It doesn't change anything."
Eyebrows still drawn together, he said, "We'll see." Then he turned and left.
I tucked this moment away.
In the dark,dank world of the Tunnels, I would call upon this memory. And there would be a flicker of candlelight. If only for a moment.
I closed my eyes,as if my eyelids were the levers of a printing press,etching the fibers into my mind.Memories were outside Cole's reach.As long as I held them,memories were mine and mine alone.
Thanks," Jack said. "My car's back at the store.If we can just make it there."
Will noticed me for the first time. "Hey. A girl." He studied my face for a moment, and then he gasped and stopped walking. "Nikki Beckett. You'd better get out of here before my brother sees you.He'd freak."
"And,we're walking," Jack said, heaving Will forward.
"Oh,hey,Jack.Didn't see you there." Will smiled again,undisturbed. His eyes glazed over and he seemed to have forgotten all about me.
Jack looked at me around the slumping head of his brother. "Will was wounded. And discharged."
Will swung his head around to face me. "They expected me to wear pants!" He prayed the last word across my face, and I gagged at his foul breath. "Like,all the time...It was so hot." He stared at me again. "Hey, you look familiar.Hey,Jack,'member that girl-?"
"Yes," Jack interrupted.
"You know,the one who totally messed you up-"
"Yes," Jack cut him off again. His eyes met mine,and he gave me an apologetic grin. I felt my own lips turning up.
I helped pull him up, although I doubted I was doing any of the actual work. Will was staring at me again. He turned away, toward Jack, and whisper-yelled, "I heard Nikki's back."
"Yep," Jack grunted as Will stumbled over the curb. "She is."
"How are you doin' with that news,little bro?"
Jack looked at me when he answered. "Better every day.
The doors to the convenience store slammed open, and I heard frantic footsteps run toward me.
I looked up just as Cole rounded the corner of the last aisle. When he saw me,he let out an audible sigh of relief.
"Don't scare me like that,Nik."
I couldn't answer.I lowered my head and let the tears flow. Cole sat beside me and put his arm around me,and I let him. I cried into the front of his black leather jacket, my tears pooling on the chest pocket.
"Careful.I didn't bring a life jacket," Cole said.
I sniffled.
"Shh.It's okay."
I guess that was how low I'd sunk, that Cole was the one person who could console me. We sat like that for a few long minutes,and when I finally had composed myself enough to speak,I said into his jacket, "Why don't you help me?You could be a hero for once."
He put his lips against my head. "Heroes don't exist. And if they did,I wouldn't be one of them.
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