And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didn't know if I was hearing this right because I had become so intoxicated, but I couldn't believe that anyone would talk about religion while on vacation. How could Miss Nebraska think this was a proper environment to discuss something so controversial? One woman went on to say that if she had her way not only would President Bush serve a second four-year term, but she hoped they would overturn Roe v. Wade. This woman was obviously a menace to society and needed to be stopped.

Chelsea Handler

Tag: politics religion ignorance antisemitism george-w-bush abortion roe-v-wade



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In fact, we'd discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and hard, I realized it was not in my best interest to waste my first marriage on a gay man.

Chelsea Handler

Tag: humor marriage



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Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrench, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a nectarine fell onto the folding table. I looked at the woman, looked at my father, and then looked around to see if anyone else was watching.

"What's the problem?" my father asked the woman.

"Sir, I'm going to have to take this lighter away from you," she said.

"The lighter?" I asked her. "What about the bomb kit he's carrying around? He could do a lot more damage to a person with that wrench."

"I need the wrench!" he shrieked.

"For what?"

"What if something goes wrong with the plane?

Chelsea Handler

Tag: humor family travel airport-security



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Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

Chelsea Handler

Tag: humor family



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I was lying here watching Dr. Phil, who, by the way, has some anger management issues. Doesn't his wife Robin look like she's been hypnotized? I feel like he goes home and beats her. The guy's an egomaniac and he's not doing a very [sic] job of covering it up by pretending to be interested in other people's problems.

Chelsea Handler

Tag: humor dr-phil



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Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding.

Chelsea Handler

Tag: humor geography



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