My sister Amy lives above a deaf girl and has learned quite a bit of sign language. She taught some to me and so now I am able to say, “SANTA HAS A TUMOR IN HIS HEAD THE SIZE OF AN OLIVE. MAYBE IT WILL GO AWAY TOMORROW BUT I DON’T THINK SO.
David SedarisTheir house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.
David SedarisBut instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.
David SedarisTag: humorous
Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downsing that is sure to follow.
David SedarisIf I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?
David SedarisStanding in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation.
David SedarisI'd Begin to imagine my life in a foreign country, some faraway land where, if things went wrong, i could always blame somebody else, saying I'd never wanted to live there in the first place.
David SedarisHugh returned from his trip, and days later I still sounded like a Red Chinese asking questions about the democratic hinterlands. "And you actually saw people smoking in restuarants? Really! And offices, too? Oh, tell me again about the ashtrays in the hospital waiting room, and don't leave anything out.
David SedarisIf a person who constantly reads is labeled a bookworm, then I was quickly becoming what might be called a tapeworm.
David Sedariswhenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.
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