Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo--though those people may also have real problems.
Eugene Mirman6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.
Eugene MirmanBefore going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can't see this sentence!!!!!)
Eugene MirmanTag: humor sex fellatio oral-sex
Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
Eugene MirmanTag: humor relationships sports
Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.
Eugene MirmanIf you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.
Eugene MirmanBoys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
Eugene MirmanTag: sex
The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world.
...
Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about, so here are a few suggestions:
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5. Reasons it's wrong to be racist even though it makes sense to you.
Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.
Eugene MirmanProm night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.
Eugene MirmanTag: humor advice school parties sex prom
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