Shit, boy. Look at me. Do they have me right now? Are you tying me up and hitting me and... whatever? Did you trap me?"
"I..." I shake my head.
"And do I look free?
Sometimes I hate the things I am allowed to do.
Hannah MoskowitzHe says, "But it is really whatever, you know? You've saved me way more times. And we call ourselves friends."
It doesn't matter what we call ourselves, really. "You already saved me," I say.
"That was nothing."
"I'm not talking about the cave."
He wrinkles his nose.
"That first day," I say, "When you got up on the rocks to flirt with a human boy."
He smiles big, with all his ground-down teeth shining.
Tag: letting-go loved-and-lost no-labels-needed
I like books. I thought you liked books."
"Let's be honest, Rudy, books are pornography for brains. All that subtext and bullshit and hidden imagery.
Tag: books subtext bookporn brainporn
He shakes his head. "They're hunting the Enkis. I know that. And I get that. But . . . we're special."
"The reason they want them is because they're special. Anchovies aren't going to cure anyone."
"That's not the special I mean." He catches another fish and hugs it to his chest.
I'm trying to be gentle. "They're only special to you because they're yours."
"I could say the same thing about that cute kid you were holding."
Well, shit.
Tag: value-of-life magic-gay-fish specialness
I hold my finger up to his lips. He flicks his eyes down to look at it.
"You're absolved," I tell him.
He brings his eyes back up to mine. There's no fucking way he knows what that word means. That's a word I dream someone will say to me.
So I put it in his language. "You're free.
Tag: freedom absolution letting-go
I close my eyes and listen to the ocean.
I'm thinking about sailing, to England or maybe France. The way the wind would feel on my face and the sound of his voice screaming my name through his laughter. The waves would crash like applause. God, I remember when I used to be afraid of the ocean.
Tag: romance melancholy
Don't ever let anyone tell you that college is for smart people. College eats smart people alive.
Hannah MoskowitzTag: college smart-people twisted-darwinism
Camus-boy, you're always going to be the same you, just older. It's not like there's a moment when you wake up and go, Shit, I'm grown-up, I don't feel like myself anymore.'
I don't tell him, but this is the scariest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. Being grown-up should feel like a big transition. It can't be something that, despite my best efforts, I've been drifting closer and closer to every summer. It needs to be a shock. I need to know at what point to stop holding on. And that moment will suck, and probably every moment after that will suck, but at least I'll know that everything that came before really was valid. I really was young and innocent. I wasn't fooling myself.
Tag: growing-up adulthood adolescence
I think this is the part where we stop pretending we’re not going to see each other again.
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