I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him.

Jarod Kintz


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I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.

Jarod Kintz


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Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.

Jarod Kintz


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I have an electric blanket, but I think it’s criminal to use it any time other than when I’m sitting in my electric chair.

Jarod Kintz


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She had amber-colored eyes. Or maybe they were blue, and I was confusing their color with her name, which was Amber.

Jarod Kintz


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Everybody has something to offer the world. Even rapists, murderers, and politicians. Well, maybe not politicians.

Jarod Kintz


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I want to buy a sports car, because I like riding bicycles. Hold on to my handlebar mustache if you value your life.

Jarod Kintz


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I am the alphabet soup of love. Eat me or read me, but don’t feed me to the cats.

Jarod Kintz


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I named my car Itch, not because it’s all scratched up, though it is, but because it got under my skin without tickling my fancy.

Jarod Kintz


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My name is Two Dogs Wink While Chewing. It’s not an Indian name, nor one that reflects my cat-loving nature.

Jarod Kintz


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