I wish I could grow out a beard, but my employer won’t let me. Also, Mother Nature won’t let me either. She’s not my real mother, you know. I adopted her.
Jarod KintzMy asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.
Jarod KintzI just quit the Please Police. No need to say Thank You or protest or start a riot. But you can buy me a cocktail—and make it a Molotov.
Jarod KintzDo something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.
Jarod KintzA brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able to tell for sure if you try to run the experiment with the brick upside down. Keep flipping the brick over until the desired outcome is reached, and then you’ll know for certain the test is valid.
Jarod KintzWhy did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.
Jarod KintzA blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you. Geez, I’m trying to read over here, and I can’t focus with his incessant nitpicking.
Jarod KintzA blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand.
Jarod KintzRiding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom.
Jarod KintzA brick could be used as one ingredient on the greedy Cake of Love. Other ingredients include: Everything.
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