I own my own shoelaces, but my shoes I rent by the bowling game.
Jarod KintzWhen I’m in the ocean, I swim alone, because I’m a shark-eating man. I’m also a man-eating man, though to be fair I thought that one surfer was a seal when I bit into him.
Jarod KintzMy watch has two hands. So do I. I’d better watch my watch to see if it also masturbates.
Jarod KintzThe phrase “Rat you out” is offensive because it’s not offensive enough. It should be “Politician you out.
Jarod KintzI said if I get her pregnant, I’d get to name our kid. She asked what I’d call it. I said, Tinkledink Swollengorge. She said, What if it’s a girl? I said, That is the girl’s name.
Jarod KintzIf it’s been more than 24 hours, you call the cops and I’ll buy the flowers. I’ll meet you at church, first for your husband’s funeral, and then for our wedding.
Jarod KintzI let wine breathe. And I hold my breathe, so it can get all the air.
Jarod KintzIf my name were Ouch, it would pain me to introduce myself. As it is now, I only find my name mildly tortuous.
Jarod KintzWhen you’re starving, and all the grocery stores are out of meat, that’s when you’ll be glad you’re a pet owner.
Jarod KintzMy apartment complex isn’t. In fact, it’s rather simple.
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