A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.


Jarod Kintz


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A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I’ll never see again. Keep it wrapped tight, because every bye should be covered in darkness.


Jarod Kintz


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A brick could be used to simulate a war opponent. Especially if your nemesis is paraplegic and without transportation.


Jarod Kintz


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A blanket could be used to tell you I love you. You know I do. And I’m not just saying that because I’m shivering.


Jarod Kintz


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A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more flat than a brick?


Jarod Kintz


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A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living in the past.


Jarod Kintz


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A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid, wait up a second!


Jarod Kintz


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A blanket could be used as a smothering agent, sort of like an employee of the NSA.


Jarod Kintz


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A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.


Jarod Kintz


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It’s like my grandpa always used to say, ‘A butter knife would make a deadlier weapon than a melting stick of butter.’”


“Your grandpa never said that.”


“No, but he should have. He was a damn fool not to have uttered those words.”


“My grandpa was a janitor, in the Great Depression. The greatest thing he ever said was, ‘Greg, I just Gregged all over your floor. Do you have a mop I can use to clean it up?’”


“Who’s Greg?”


“I don’t know.”


“What the shit kind of story is that? That story is bullshit. Greg doesn’t exist. Nobody knows nobody named Greg. It’s a unicorn name—it’s complete mythology.”


“What about Lou Greg, the baseball player?”


“Lou who? Lou Gehrig?”


“Here’s a Lou for you. Greg Louganis.”


“Bah, Greg Louganis doesn’t exist. He was a myth created by the Soviets to push their divers to perfection. The Russians realized they couldn’t be the best until they deceived their divers into believing there was someone who was always better.”


“I’ve seen Greg Louganis, and he’s as real as you or me.”


“You’ve seen what they wanted you to see. They gave you a blindfold to wear and convinced you it would improve your eyesight.”


Jarod Kintz


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