Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Jerry Seinfeld

Tag: humor



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Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Jerry Seinfeld

Tag: humor



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i chose not to run

Jerry Seinfeld


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When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

Jerry Seinfeld


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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld


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What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Jerry Seinfeld


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You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

Jerry Seinfeld

Tag: humor



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I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!

Jerry Seinfeld


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Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

Jerry Seinfeld


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If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

Jerry Seinfeld


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