Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes.
John GreenTag: humor religion homosexuality graffiti homophobia picnic-tables
Lucky Charms are like the vampires of breakfast cereal. They're magical, they're delicious, they're a little bit dangerous and bad for you. They initially make you feel great, but then over time you realize that maybe your relationship with Lucky Charms is just a little bit unhealthy and you start to think, 'Maybe I don't want to be in a long-term relationship with a breakfast cereal that tastes delicious but damages my health.' But then the Lucky Charms gets all stalker on you and for some reason you kind of like that. It makes you feel special. So yeah, you spend your life with Lucky Charms. That's awesome. That's a great way to... get diabetes.
John GreenWe all matter - maybe less then a lot but always more than none.
John GreenTag: importance
Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.
John GreenTag: humor gender-stereotypes masculinity
And since she drove to work every morning, I could only use the car on weekends. Well, weekends and the middle of the goddamned night.
John GreenTag: humor
You just gotta tell her, man,’ I said. ‘You just gotta say, “Angela, I really like you, but there’s something you need to know: when we go to my house and hook up, we’ll be watched by the twenty-four hundred eyes of twelve hundred black Santas.
John GreenTag: humor
If you don't imagine, nothing ever happens at all.
John GreenI have this thing that keeps me from being interested in prom dresses, it's called a penis.
John GreenYou know what I hate? The outdoors. I mean, generally. I don't like outside. I'm an inside person. I'm all about refrigeration and indoor plumbing and Judge Judy.
John GreenAnd then something invisible snapped insider her, and that which had come together commenced to fall apart.
John GreenTag: wise depressing
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