Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down.
'So. How was practice?' he asked
'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool.
'Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball
Tag: humorous-quotations keeping-your-cool
My instructor was a skinny guy in his midtwenties who had a shaved head that was always peeling from sunburns and who could only have smelled more like marijuana if he'd been made of it. The training vehicle was a mid- '80s tan Nissan that had working breaks on the passenger side; He often got his jollies slamming them on for no reason and then between wheezing laughs saying 'You were all like 'I'm in control of the car' and then I hit the brakes and shit and you were all like 'whaaaat?
Justin HalpernTag: humorous-quotations learning-to-drive
You worry too much. Eat some bacon...What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better. I just made too much bacon.
Justin HalpernI just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.
Justin HalpernTag: humor
Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar Bill on your dresser, and you don’t realize until later it’s
because it fucked you,
In the fall of 1998, I began my freshman year at San Diego State University, which my dad commonly referred to as 'Harvard, without all the smart people.
Justin HalpernI can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.
Justin HalpernTag: humorous-quotes
I hadn’t gone to one dance in my entire high school
career. I was six foot tall and a hundred and twenty
pounds. When I danced, I looked like a praying mantis
on fire.
Tag: humor-inspirational
You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing.
Justin HalpernAdvice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.
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