He smelled like carpeting, Scotch tape, and steak sauce.

Patton Oswalt

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I'm sitting at the bar, rearranging the order of my jokes. I'm under the delusion that I'm having bad shows because of some cosmic misalignment of words, phrases, and ideas. I may as well have cast runes into a spirit bowl, hoping that the collective heart of the audience would open to my necromantic call. Maybe that's how jugglers do it. Those guys never have shitty sets.

Patton Oswalt

Tag: jokes stand-up patton-oswalt casting-runes jugglers necromantic-comedy present-tense spirit-bowl

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I suspected, around the time I graduated college, that we're all versions of targets, fired at by indifferent events. If that was the case, then I wanted to be a moving target.

Patton Oswalt

Tag: life targets indifferent-events

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Eight people show up. The emcee is warm, friendly, and about as funny as Shoah. I take the stage to the sound of, my hand to God, one person clapping once and only once, and then I start into my act.

Patton Oswalt

Tag: shoah clapping stand-up hand-to-god patton-oswalt

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