Gracie: You have an unusual house. Have you lived here long?
Bobby Tom: A couple of years. I don't much like it myself, but the architect is real proud of it. She calls it urban Stone Age with a Japanese Tahitian influence. I sort of just call it ugly.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Tag: humor architecture houses



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His mother?" Gracie couldn't believe it. Suzy Denton looked much too young to be his mother. And much too respectable. "But you're not a-" She cut herself off in mid-sentence as she realized what she'd almost let slip.

Suzy's wedding ring clicked against the steering wheel as she gave it a hard smack. "I'm going to kill him! He's been telling that hooker story again, hasn't he?

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Tag: humor lies mother hooker



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You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Tag: humor police



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All right," she said in a low, determined voice. 'I'll go along with this. But you are not, under any circumstances, to refer to me again as 'the future Mrs. Bobby Tom,' do you understand? Because if you say that just once, just once, I will personally tell the entire world that our engagement is a fraud. Furthermore, I will announce that you are-are-" Her mouth opened and closed, She's stared out strong, but now she couldn't think of anything terrible enough to throw at him.
An ax murderer?" he offered helpfully.
When she didn't reply, he tried again. " A vegetarian?"
It came to her in a flash. "Impotent!

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Tag: humor fake-engagement



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Bobby Tom: You're supposed to be my assistant, not a baby-sitter!
Gracie: One and the same.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Tag: humor



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Did you eat my Twinkies?"
She gulped. Keeping her eyes glued to the whip, she said, "Exactly what Twinkies are we talking about?"
"The Twinkies in the cupboard over the sink. The only Twinkies in the trailer." His fingers convulsed around the coils of leather.
Oh, Lord, she thought. Flayed to death for a Twinkle.
"Well?"
"It, uh — it won't happen again, I promise you. But they didn't have any special marking on them, so there was no way I could tell they were yours." Her eyes remained riveted on the whip. "And normally I wouldn't have eaten them— I never eat junk food-—but I was hungry last night, and, well, when you think about it, you'll have to admit I did you a favor because they're clogging my arteries now instead of yours."
His voice was quiet. Too quiet. In her mind she heard the howl of a rampaging Cossack baying at a Russian moon. "Don't touch my Twinkies. Ever. If you want Twinkies, buy your own.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Tag: humor twinkies



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The point I was trying to make before you interrupted with your inventory
of my personality is that neither of us is going to be able to stay celibate for the next six months."

She dropped her eyes. If only he knew that she'd stayed that way all her life.

We'll be living in close quarters," he went on. "We're legally married, and it's only natural that we're going to get it on."

Get it on? His bluntness reminded her that none of this meant anything to him emotionally, and contrary to all logic, she'd wanted to hear something romantic. With some pique, she said, "In other words, you expect me to keep house, work for the circus, and 'get it on' with you."

He thought it over. "I guess that's about the size of it.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Tag: humor marriage roles



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Cut the crap and tell me what color panties you’re wearing.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Tag: funny-humour



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I can’t chitchat and make breakfast at the same time. You could help, you know, instead of standing there like the Queen of England. Although you’re a lot better-looking.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Tag: humor funny



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[Kevin and Molly's adorable banter]
"I'm not carrying anything until I see what's on your panties."
"It's Daphne, okay?"
"I'm supposed to believe you're wearing the same underpants you had on yesterday?"
"I have more than one pair"
"I think you're lying. I want to see for myself." He dragged her deeper into the pines. While Roo circled them barking, he reached for the snap on her shorts. "Quiet, Godzilla! There's some serious business going on here."
Roo obediently quieted.
She grabbed his wrists and pushed. "Get away."
"That's not what you were saying last night."
"Somebody'll see."
"I'll tell them a bee got you, and I'm taking out the stinger."
"Don't touch my stinger!" She grabbed for her shorts, but they were already heading for her knees. "Stop that!"
He peered down at her panties. "It's the badger. You lied to me."
"I wasn't paying attention when I got dressed."
"Hold still. I've just about found that stinger."
She heard herself sigh.
"Oh, yeah..." His body moved against hers. "There it is.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips


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