Kayso, Foo finally came home and I jumped into his arms and sort of rode him to the ground with a massive tongue kiss so deep that I could taste the burned cinnamon toast of his soul, but then I slapped him, so he didn't think I was a slut. (Shut up, he had wood.)
--Being the Journal of Abby Normal
Tag: christopher-moore bite-me
Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little "Hey, what's up?" pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff.
--Being the Journal of Abby Normal
Tag: christopher-moore bite-me
Pervy and redundant, don't you think?" I asked the big gay cop, who wouldn't know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to him and sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the "Star-Spangled Banner" is spangled? There's no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. I'm just saying.)
--Being the Journal of Abby Normal
Tag: christopher-moore bite-me
So, like, the master needed a hand, if you know what I mean, so I was like, "Oh chill, it's a stress thing, everyone does it. I'm flicking the bean under the table right now just to dial the tension back a little. Yes. Yes. Yes! Oh-zombie-jeebus-fuck-me-Simba-lion-king-hakuna-matata! Yes!"
--The Chronicles of Abby Normal
Tag: christopher-moore bite-me
[...]I am a romance slut, and there's nothing I can do about it. If a guy does or says something romantic, I'm all "Oh, please excuse me, kind sir, let me dial down my IQ and oh, if it would please sir, may I offer you this moist, yet helpless va-jay-jay that seems to have lost its way."
-The Chronicles of Abby Normal
Tag: christopher-moore bite-me
[Abby to Tommy and Jody who are hugging]
So I'm like, "Cold-faced killers on the clock, bitches, we don't have time for your bonery right now."
--The Chronicles of Abby Normal
Tag: christopher-moore bite-me
Love needs room to grow. Like a rose. Or a tumor.
Christopher MooreTag: love fool christopher-moore rose tumor
My name," said Mr. Fresh.
"Pardon?" Charlie stopped tying himself up.
"I dress in mint green because of my first name. It's Minty."
Charlie completely forgot what he was worried about. "Minty? Your name is Minty Fresh?"
Charlie appeared to be trying to stifle a sneeze, but then snorted an explosive laugh. Then ducked.
Tag: humor christopher-moore a-dirty-job minty-fresh
At the pet store he picked out two painted turtles, each about as big around as a mayonnaise-jar lid. He bought them a large kidney shaped dish that had its own little island, a plastic palm tree, some aquatic plants, and a snail. The snail, presumably, to bolster the self-esteem of the turtles: "You think we're slow? Look at that guy." To store up the snail's morale in the same way, there was a rock.
Christopher MooreTag: humor turtles christopher-moore a-dirty-job snails ahahahaha-xd laughed-my-butt-off
She have to go pick up prescription, so I watch Sophie for short time. And tiny bears are happy when I go in bathroom."
"Hamsters, Mrs. Korjev, not bears."
....
"I've got her now," Charlie said. "One of you stay with her while I get rid of the H-A-M-S-T-E-R-S."
"He mean the tiny bears.
Tag: christopher-moore a-dirty-job hamsters tiny-bears
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