The door slams in response, and I laugh. I'm glad she can laugh. It means she really is coping. I know she’s internalizing a lot, though. Putting on a show for me. She’ll have new scars on her wrists soon.
Jasinda WilderTag: scars grief laugh coping falling cutting front show nell colton falling-into-you jasinda-wilder cuts internalizing
Let…it…go,” he whispers, his voice a fierce, harsh sound in my hair. “No. No!” The last word is screamed. “You have to. You can’t bleed it out. You can’t keep pretending, drinking it down.
Jasinda WilderTag: pain sorrow drinking grief favorite falling cutting cut let-it-go nell colton bleed falling-into-you favourite jasinda-wilder
There’s no magical healing in this. I won’t wake up tomorrow fixed and joyful. I’ll still hurt and grieve. But moments like this, with Colton? They make it all bearable. He doesn't fix me, doesn't heal me. He just makes life worthwhile. He helps me remember to breathe, shows me how to smile again. He kisses me, and I can forget pain, forget the urges I still have to cut for the pain that erases the emotions.
Jasinda WilderTag: life pain hurt forget escape sweet relief fix urges falling cutting bearable nell cutter colton grieve self-harm si falling-into-you jasinda-wilder
You don't feel like you're hurting yourself when you're cutting. You feel like this is the only way to take care of yourself.
Marilee StrongTag: nurture cutting self-injury self-mutilation
She was not suicidal; that is what people never managed to grasp. Cutting relieved the pressure and stood as some enduring demonstration of her emotion, some way to be in control of a body that could toss her about with seizures. It was borderline artistic to mark her body, chiaroscuro designs in blood. Dying is the last thing she would want, like any healthy organism. A little pain, a small invoked sting trailing her arm, brought her much closer to grounded when she could not keep her head from racing, her thoughts from consuming her with obsession. An ounce of liquid weight loss and she could go back to being herself again. Usually.
Thomm QuackenbushTag: suicide cutting self-injury
Cheryl was aided in her search by the Internet. Each time she remembered a name that seemed to be important in her life, she tried to look up that person on the World Wide Web.
The names and pictures Cheryl found were at once familiar and yet not part of her conscious memory: Dr. Sidney Gottlieb, Dr. Louis 'Jolly' West, Dr. Ewen Cameron, Dr. Martin Orne and others had information by and about them on the Web. Soon, she began looking up sites related to childhood incest and found that some of the survivor sites mentioned the same names, though in the context of experiments performed on small children. Again, some names were familiar. Then Cheryl began remembering what turned out to be triggers from old programmes. 'The song, "The Green, Green Grass of home" kept running through my mind. I remembered that my father sang it as well. It all made no sense until I remembered that the last line of the song tells of being buried six feet under that green, green grass. Suddenly, it came to me that this was a suicide programme of the government. 'I went crazy. I felt that my body would explode unless I released some of the pressure I felt within, so I grabbed a [pair ofl scissors and cut myself with the blade so I bled. In my distracted state, I was certain that the bleeding would let the pressure out. I didn't know Lynn had felt the same way years earlier. I just knew I had to do it Cheryl says. She had some barbiturates and other medicine in the house. 'One particularly despondent night, I took several pills. It wasn't exactly a suicide try, though the pills could have killed me. Instead, I kept thinking that I would give myself a fifty-fifty chance of waking up the next morning. Maybe the pills would kill me. Maybe the dose would not be lethal. It was all up to God. I began taking pills each night. Each-morning I kept awakening.
Tag: suicide crazy victim mental-health insane dissociation mental-illness child-abuse trauma pills survivor abuse child-sexual-abuse incest cutting mind-control dissociative-identity-disorder multiple-personality-disorder split-personality self-harm overdose mkultra dissociative extreme-abuse ewen-cameron louis-west martin-orne sidney-gottlieb
Why do I take a blade and slash my arms? Why do I drink myself into a stupor? Why do I swallow bottles of pills and end up in A
Alice JamiesonTag: pain memories alcohol healing victim attention mental-health alcoholic suicide-attempt dissociation mental-illness psychological trauma ritual-abuse survivor abuse incest cutting dissociative-identity-disorder multiple-personality-disorder split-personality psychiatric self-harm emergency overdose dissociative alters alter-personalities
In Bio last year, I learned that blood is actually a dark maroon when it's inside your body. It's the exposure to oxygen that turns it bright red. And there must have been a lot of oxygen in my bathroom, because that blood was bright, bright red.
Leila SalesOh God just look at me now... one night opens words and utters pain... I cannot begin to explain to you... this... I am not here. This is not happening. Oh wait, it is, isn't it?
I am a ghost. I am not here, not really. You see skin and cuts and frailty...these are symptoms, you known, of a ghost. An unclear image with unclear thoughts whispering vague things...
If I told you what was really in my head, you''d never let me leave this place. And I have no desire to spend time in hell while I'm still, in theory, alive.
Tag: reality weak crazy thoughts symptoms mental-health mental-illness ghost hospital cutting self-injury unreal self-harm derealization suicidal cuts frail psychiatric-hospital
I don't know what to do, I want to die but you're making me stay alive, I'm not sure if I should betray you and do it or move on and push through it.
LindzzTag: love death suicide boyfriend cutting hate-life
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