When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

George Carlin

Tag: humour babies



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New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

Jay Leno

Tag: sex humour



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I really hope he shapes up, you know? He’s got a good head on his shoulders when he’s not trying to give himself alcohol poisoning.

Hailey Abbott

Tag: humour



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I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Neil Armstrong

Tag: humour exercise



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The only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two vastly, deeply uninteresting people.

John Green

Tag: humour



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This won't look so good in my obituary," Schaffer said dolefully. There was a perceptible edge of strain under the lightly-spoken words."Gave his life for his country in a ladies' lavatory in Upper Bavaria.

Alistair MacLean

Tag: humour maclean



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I asked my publisher what would happen if he sold all the copies of my book he'd printed. He said "I'll just print another ten.

Eric Sykes

Tag: humour literature



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Everywhere I go, I am asked if I think university stifles writers. My opinion is that it doesn't stifle enough of them.

Flannery O'Connor

Tag: education writing literary-criticism humour



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He's like Super Librarian, y'know? Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.

Joss Whedon

Tag: humour buffy-the-vampire-slayer knowlege



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Anyone who thinks money can't buy happiness has never owned a cat [or any pet].

Arya Riverdale

Tag: life humour pets



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