When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
George CarlinNew Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
Jay LenoI really hope he shapes up, you know? He’s got a good head on his shoulders when he’s not trying to give himself alcohol poisoning.
Hailey AbbottTag: humour
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Neil ArmstrongThe only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two vastly, deeply uninteresting people.
John GreenTag: humour
This won't look so good in my obituary," Schaffer said dolefully. There was a perceptible edge of strain under the lightly-spoken words."Gave his life for his country in a ladies' lavatory in Upper Bavaria.
Alistair MacLeanI asked my publisher what would happen if he sold all the copies of my book he'd printed. He said "I'll just print another ten.
Eric SykesTag: humour literature
Everywhere I go, I am asked if I think university stifles writers. My opinion is that it doesn't stifle enough of them.
Flannery O'ConnorTag: education writing literary-criticism humour
He's like Super Librarian, y'know? Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.
Joss WhedonTag: humour buffy-the-vampire-slayer knowlege
Anyone who thinks money can't buy happiness has never owned a cat [or any pet].
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