It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
Stephen ColbertTag: politics united-states humour twitter mitch-mcconnell united-states-congress
If by some bizarre chance there turns out to be a god [...], I'm willing to bet he's an atheist too.
Salman RushdieTag: god religion atheism twitter
I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.
Stephen ColbertIf I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
Stephen ColbertTag: humour wishes pants twitter
I know it's a really hard concept to process, but the fact that Govt accuses someone of being a Terrorist doesn't mean they are.
Glenn GreenwaldTag: united-states terrorism war-on-terror twitter
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
Stephen ColbertTag: humour google twitter hypochondria
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
Stephen ColbertTag: humour film twitter backstories sequels
It's when the 'international community' expresses 'concern' about your 'situation' that your situation is well and truly fucked.
Michael D. WeissTag: politics war cynicism inaction twitter syria geopolitics international-community syrian-civil-war
The hallmark of an authoritarian idiot is yelling TERRORIST-LOVER! at anyone questioning the definition of Terrorist.
Glenn GreenwaldTag: propaganda authoritarianism ideology terrorism war-on-terror 2012 twitter state-terrorism
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Stephen ColbertTag: science sex humour beer alcohol 2012 twitter cannabis non-alcoholic-beverages non-penetrative-sex substance-intoxication
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